The Big Question

Day I – Mission Control to Planet Me – How am I going to drink from the ocean of creativity with a small cup in this New Year of 2015 and where will I find funding for Project Forward? Ah.  The Big Question.

I began with a draft blog post about resolutions and why I don’t make them, ended up thinking about Catholicism and decided to save that for another post and stick with resolutions  For me, they are walls.  I’ve encountered enough walls.  We all have.  What I need is gateways.  Lots and lots of gateways.  The next time I see a wall I’m going to blast straight through the center, or walk through in my invisible anti-wall suit as if it isn’t there. Because, after all, it isn’t really there.  I’ve just been programed to think it is. We have all been programmed. A larger realization for me is that I’ve been programmed to build the walls.  Apparently, I’ve been a good wall builder.  I don’t want to be one anymore.  The pay isn’t good, the benefits are worse, it is an exhausting job and the union is run by gangsters.  I’m changing careers.  You might want to also.

Intention is everything.  This has been proven to me time and again. Intention – often silent – comes from what we believe to be true and possible.  For people who do not question patterns, belief is often no more than a code that has been passed down from one generation to the next.  What was true for them isn’t necessarily what is true for you or me.  Life is fluid and we must alter our way of thinking as we learn new things.  And, since one’s beliefs drive decision making and decisions determine destiny, we really are in control of the outcome.  There is, of course, such things as luck, surprise, etc. but all-in-all we are the driver or the passenger.  We choose. Some of us are the pedestrians and there are cars passing us by.  But we all choose.  And we must all be alert.

Those are my crystalized lessons of 2014. Most of them began earlier but they have come to a state of hard crystal this year. Most of my year was spent attending to family drama, reclaiming a place for myself, spending a fortune in all of that when I’ve had very little income for a very long time, taking the lessons of 2013 gained from open heart surgery and related events and packing everything together into a self-presentation – a menu of sorts – of thoughts and beliefs that I could swallow, digest and process.  Something that made sense to me.  I’ve had to vomit up much of it. It has been an odd time, both frightening to the point of moments of utter panic and literal screaming, and golden epiphanies that have blown up in my head like migraines healed by an invisible saint and resurrected into solid evidence that there is something “there” other than me and I’m going to be okay in spite of myself but “it” isn’t going to save me.  That’s my job.  I am not religious, not by anyone’s definition, because not only has it never appealed to me, but I find it to be like falling in love with a prison guard, just not acceptable and somewhat hard to get their attention with all those prisoners screaming.  Yet, I now know for sure that I am connected to you, that you are connected to me, and we are the same.  There is no separation.  We just like to think there is.  That’s probably more fun for our egos.

And so, you see, I might have grown a bit in the past few years – maybe ten.  Maybe the past ten years that I first saw as being difficult have actually been my own soul smacking me in the back of the head and saying “Hey! Stop complaining!  Look at this place!  It’s gorgeous! Tom Hiddleston wants to meet you”.  Okay, it didn’t mention Tom Hiddleston but it could have.  I have a good imagination and It’s my soul.  Yours might have said someone else’s name. And, it could just have been a very long midlife crises.  Does it really matter?  No. What matters is this – the only resolution I make for this coming year – a year I will dub as “The Year of Impending Magic” is that I make no resolutions.  I give nothing up.  I’ve given up enough.  I’ve let go of enough.  I’ve deprived myself of enough. I want things. There are some things I want very much. And there are some things that no longer work and I no longer want them. I will make no promises to people I don’t want to make a promise to. That goes for business and personal relationships.  I will spend no time with anyone I don’t like.  I am done with what I call tick tock toxic living…..where I let the time I have left pass by in an attempt to be polite and gain a fan or two.  I don’t need fans.  I need friends who love me.  I’m spoiled in that way.  I have been gifted with real love through incredible friends. But to those who are draining I say what my friend Paloma says, “No Mas”.

That fire eating, time gobbling monster of expectation and disappointment can go somewhere else for 2015.  The only thing I expect out of life is to stay open to my curiosity, to my relentless desire to embrace the world and the souls who inhabit it and to wake me from my slumber whenever I appear to be slouching toward laziness or indifference or whenever I develop a harsh attitude toward people in need. We are all people in need. We are connected, remember?

I am a lover of all things.  I want to know the names of all trees, not burn them down.  I want to learn how to fuse glass into beautiful objects, not break it and stuff it into a recycle bin. I want to meet a group of successful artists this year, not tweet about art openings I’ve read about.  As another friend and I have discussed – wouldn’t it be fabulous to take acting lessons just because? And I want to stand by the Pacific Ocean, scream into it how much I love being alive, and learn – finally – how to be a good swimmer.  I can float very, well thank you.  Swim?  Full out in strong current?  Not so much.  All that has stopped me is fear.  I have a list of more than 50 things that I want to do this year – 2015 – not big things, just things, challenges, proof that I’m alive, and not one of them has the words “I will not” or “I vow” or “I promise”.  The only word I see on the list is “Next”. I don’t know if I can do all of them but I’m going to try. I’m going to stand on this magnificent earth, be an example of gratitude and live completely and fully out loud and with (my new mantra for the year) Fearless Intention.  I’m going to pack up my weeny whiney voice which shows up occasionally and go at life with Fearless Intention.  Everything.  Fearless Intention. I might have to have a T shirt made.  Or socks or panties.  Something to remind me when I forget.  I doubt, however, I’m going to forget.

So, in answer to my initial question: How am I going to drink from the ocean of creativity with a small cup in this New Year of 2015 and where will I find funding for Project Forward? This is my answer – I’m going to stand in the surf, open my arms, my heart, my soul, cease self-criticism (Oh my God, my hair’s a mess, I’ve gained 5 pounds, What if he thinks I’m aggressive – worse yet, a bitch?)  and I’m going to soak up every ounce of love that exists in every drop of water that comes my way.  I don’t need a cup any longer.  I am the cup.  Funding?  It is there.  I taste it.  I hear it calling.  It’s not really paper.  It’s love.  It’s energy.  It’s value. And for me, all of that has changed.  My value has skyrocketed. My energy has been charged again.  I’m going to bring it to me as I have brought all good things, by digging into the sand and finding the roots of who I really am, by being myself in all my annoyance and glory.  There is absolutely no other reason to be at the shore. This isn’t a goal for some future date, with an ending.  This is how I’m going to spend every day from this first day of this year – now – to the last.  Next year I’ll reassess and see how this worked out.  In the meantime, I wish you luck, good health, joy, all that good stuff…..but most of all, I wish you the determination to make every single moment count for something good.  Because…just because “Look at this place!  It’s gorgeous!  Tom Hiddleston wants to meet you!”.



4 thoughts on “The Big Question

  1. tammyvitale

    Woman you are SUCH a writer! all that passion. I could be drunk with it!And the cool thing is that your writing kicks up my writing – it’s your energy.I can just drink it in and then release my own….I don’t know really how toexplain it but it’s like being on speed or something! gorgeous!!!

    Tammy Vitale

    Date: Fri, 2 Jan 2015 01:53:48 +0000 To:


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